Kenya 2009 - Part 5

It’s All So Surface…


I was in a meeting today with a Kenyan woman from our area. She had called to meet with me over some issues pertaining to some children she knows.

After we got the business stuff discussed and dealt with, I felt myself looking at her, on a deeper level. I found myself saying, with all sincerity and compassion, “You know, if you ever want to get together for tea and just talk, share things, I would love to do that.” And in that moment her body language changed; her shoulders sank down, she clasped my hands and smiled this beautiful smile. She said, “You don’t know how much that means for me to hear that. It’s difficult being a pastor’s wife, you know.”

Although I’m not a pastor’s wife, I knew what she meant…having to live up to certain expectations, being under a telescope by the congregation and people of the town. She explained that although she loves helping and encouraging others, very rarely does she get to let out her frustrations, her hurts, her pains and her struggles because so often people are sharing theirs with her. And should she want to share, how quickly could it be spread among, first the congregation and second around the town?

And so I offered my ear, my confidentiality, my friendship to her….and she was incredibly thankful.

Also, during this meeting time, I noticed a couple with a small child sitting at the table beside us. At first, I noticed the child, a little girl about eight or nine months old but as I looked more closely at the couple, I noticed the complete separation of the two. They didn’t speak to one other. The husband was on the phone talking and when he wasn’t on the phone, he was holding his daughter, talking to her. The wife sat there, like a piece of furniture. Neither one of them engaged the other in conversation.

It saddened me because this is how friendship has become…everywhere. We’ve become all surface in our relationships and friendships today. We lack the foundation, the communication, the honesty that comes with them.

I looked up on the internet for a definition of friendship; there were so many but this one, this one I really liked:

Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and, with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.
Source: A Life for a Life

When the pastor’s wife told me that she lacks the honest friendships due to fear that her “issues” will arise in the congregation, I understood her fear. Things like gossip, judgment, competition and jealousy have destroyed friendships. We cannot trust our “closest” friends because we fear that 1) they will tell others or 2) they will judge us for our issues.

We tend to not want to grow into friendships with others because we are jealous of what they have and therefore bitterness enters our hearts. Or we decide it’s better to compete against them, rather than run along side them.

This is what has continually broken down the body of Christ. The people we should be able to trust the most are the ones that we end up trusting the least. Jesus said, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13). And what have we done – the opposite. Rather than laying down our lives for our friends, we’ve pushed our friends in front of the moving vehicle, allowing them to become the targets. The targets of gossip, judgment, competition and jealousy.

I’ve seen the ramifications of the “Singles Club”, the “Dating Club”, the “Married Club”, the “Married with Children Club”. And everyone who doesn’t fit whatever category at whatever time in their life is left out. Friendship isn’t a club, it’s a relationship. And unfortunately for those “clubs”, they could be missing out on some amazing people to have a relationship with. And the damage it does to the ones being “left out”…the mistrust, the insecurities, the loneliness…and the destruction of The Body.

Then there are the people that call everyone in their life, their best friend and it usually turns out that “You’re everybody’s best friend but nobody’s real friend.” It’s just a popularity contest; we want everyone to like us, to be the welcome committee, to be party central but at the end of it all, there’s no quality, only quantity. And that is where the realness of who we could be to each other becomes non-existent.

I’m tired of surface friendships. I miss the intimate friendships; the ones that you can be who you are, in seriousness and silliness and know that not a moment of gossip or judgment will enter. This can be a lonely world and at times a girl needs girlfriends and the guy needs male-bonding time. And wouldn’t it be a better place if we could remove the quantity and stick to the quality.

Friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of the other….it is the relationship of trust, faith and concern for each others feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and not what he or she is looking to get. [They] are ones who accept the good as well as the bad qualities of his friend also takes an initiative in correcting and mending them. Friendship is the distinctive kind of concern for your friend, it is a relationship of immense faith and love for each other…A true friend does not consist of a huge number of friends you keep but it is valued by its worth and capability to hold you and stand by you in all phases of life.
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/?Definition-of-Friendship---A-Few-Facts&id=1267049